Worthless

I am a pathetic worthless human being, but i will become great.

why!

i dont get why im not over her. actually...i know exactly why im not over her. i love her and i want her back, but i know that'll never happen. its a horrible feeling knowing that what you want most in the world is something you can never ever have. Makes life seem not worth it even thought it is.

confused

im so confused lately. im less depressed but im more confused. im loving life (kinda) but im just not happy with myself. i sorely want to be someone i can be proud of but im not, no where near. i dont know what to do to stop it either. my head still flirts with the idea of just killing myself so i can stop feeling so worthless. obviously as per usuall id never do it, but i just dont want to think like that anymore. i just want to have a few days where everythings alright in my head.

Dead

I would rather be dead. the frequency of which i play with the idea of killing myself is worrying, id never do it, but id like to.

Screw it

Fuck this. its official. im not enjoying life anymore. its all fucked. life itself is out to screw with me. im fucking tired of it. sick and fucking tired. =( i am severly unhappy. and i have very little reason to be.

The night my mind exploded

''the reason all these riots are braking out are totally due to like thousands of years of pack mentality evolution deap in our genetics. The human brain is presented with a threat so it spreads its fear with its counter-parts and fellow pack members, then they pass their fears on to others. Soon enough you've got a 1000 strong army of fuel raged maniacs out to protect themselves and eliminate the threat''

''Attractivness is evolution. If you're ugly then im sorry but all the way down the line you where an ugly fucking single celled life form. you where always gonna be ugly from the beggining''

''When being in a healthy state of mind is evolution helping you to survive, then what state of mind will those who have evolved to be hunters and killers be in, be carefull of those who dont seem quite right, you've evolved to survive, they've evolved to kill, the game starts now''

''If Coca-Cola started out by containing actualy coke, then surely most other brands also contained trace elements of drugs to increase addiction....what did they all use''

True peace.

True Peace = Horlicks+Alla ta'erb+Southpark

True nirvana

Lifes great
and u know what...im still severly fucking depressed =P
im so depressed iv turned into a fucking comedian
just to try be happy sometimes
and you know what.....
it doesnt work
but.
i smoke just enough weed to not car
ive reached true nervana....

..........nirvana

Conundrum

If weed was so awful. as many foolish governments and people beleive. why would it have so many benefits. conundrum -__-

Bad

Its starting to get bad again. i can feel it getting worse. my resolve and armour are being worn down by this. its starting to feel like it did before it was good...its starting to feel worse than it did before. my posts recently, although this is purely for venting and no one actually reads any of this, are depressing and i apologise.

nothing really changed

nothings really changed. as much as i like to think iv changed i havent. its all just become more repressed. its all just kept somewhere else. its not gone away.

Hard times

Im finding it very very hard to be friends with my ex. i want to. i really really want to. but i just cant. i cant find anyway to feel that way about her. i cant just be friends..... =( i guess im going to have to get used to it. but i dont know how its gonna work. how do you be friends with someone you can only feel unconventional love for...i wish i knew the answer. but i dont =(. i guess it comes down to having her in my life and just gritting my teeth to keep it all inside or not have her in it at all. the latter i would rather not imagine...but i wonder if it would be easier.....even if it was i dont think id do it. she means to much.

wrong

There is something wrong with me, i am not well, and my mind is not healthy....and its starting to scare me. =(

Life Atm

Well life at the moment. guess i have nothing to complain about really. drugs, alchohol, friends, couldnt really ask for more. although i still want naomi. and im pretty determined,cause shes very worth it, but as i said i cant raelly complain. so i guess everythings not to bad for a change =p

FLAGWALE

sometimes it seems easier to just give up, but what if its worth it, and it still hurts. do you stick through it and take the pain, or do you save yourself and give up. It seems so worth it, so i'll continue to hurt.

Worried

Im worried im gonna fall into the same pit that i did before. and i dont want to be that again. thats all today

I cant do it

I just cant seem to do it. i cant keep everyone happy. no matter how hard i try i fuck up somewhere. ill mess up with one or another person. i dont get why i cant just focus on everyone. its annoying.....i can do it. i can make myself better again. ill make everyone happy if it kills me.

Bitter Sweet

Well everyone its been awhile. the best way to explain whats been going on is ''bitter sweet'' girl i loved. well and truely loved this time....didnt even doubt it....broke up with me so went on a week long booz binge which didnt help. put more effort in to trying to get her back than effort iv put into alot of things recently. Didnt go to well....havent got her back. still slightly heartbroke. and i dont think im gonna get over her for a long while. but.....id rather make her happy than carry on badgering her to get back with me. so were friends now =) and it hurts so much =( but....i just want her to be happy. haha ''i love you till the end'' by the pogues basically explains how i feel towards her.

Found a brilliant speech to sum everything up.

''There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.''

could of just posted that rather than anything else really =p mor dramatic. but oh well. Lets hope life takes an upwards turn again. this blogs very very upsy downsy.

Failure.

I dont feel good enough again......i feel again as if im not good enough for those around me. this isnt due to everyone else not being happy with who i am, im pretty sure alot of my friends love me, but i just dont feel good enough for them. Its bad, and cause its bad i feel worse, my girlfriend loves me, and i know she does, and that makes me feel wanted but i still just dont feel good enough for those around me and her. its an annoying feeling. i dont know what'll ever make me feel happy with myself.....

Life and all its pineapples

Well life is absolutely great at the moment. Ellie is just....i cant explain it shes to amazing. i love her. schools fucked as apparently im more of a dumbass then i gave myself credit for and failedd my exams so resitting them.....im strangely unhappy with myself and i dont know why. i have this amazing gf who thinks im amazing but these days im still majorly unhappy with who i am and i dont know why. i still cant bring myself to like myself......meh. anyway life is amazing. =)

Love it

well well long time since my last post. if i was gonna sum up everything since then it could be done with a simple name ''ellie goddard''.....wow....this girl....is amazing.....she really really is. Funny, Gorgeous, creative, random as hell =), makes me lol big time, understands my strange little thought tracks oh did i mention shes gorgeous....well just incase i didnt she is...very much so =p. Love her to pieces. anyway what elsse has happened....hmmm....well lots of work work and party party really. have become proper good friends with jordan naylor really sorted guy. Ummm bought my KC tickets...which will be amazing....with ellie =p and jordan XD gonna be great. well thats about it, bye all, loves. oh and ps Ellie is amazing just incase that didnt get across.